Archive
Egyptian Discovery
Hieroglyphs discovered outside the dwelling of what appears to be an Egyptian woman who either who lived alone or whose husband was away often, apparently show consecutive images of herself, getting slightly smaller in each one, in what roughly translates to a “journey of fitness”. There were also images that depict the various items that she worked into her daily diet next to the Egyptian symbol for money and a phrase that roughly means, “Want to work for yourself and be an in charge female dog?” It’s so great that antiquity has left us relics of this fascinating culture.
…This could very well be the first “pyramid scheme”.
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
Make-A-Wish Foundation Sees Surge In Donations After Partnering With Violent Militia
By Robby Bennett
January 13, 2021
During a rocky start to the new year it’s a joyous occasion to be able to report some good news to the world. After seeing a decline in donations last year due to the Covid 19 Pandemic, The Make-A-Wish Foundation decided to get creative with their approach to attract outside funds. They refused to use the pandemic as an excuse and, in a unique concept, decided to partner with The Blood Of Tyrants Militia from their base in the Great Smokies region of the Appalachian Mountains. The partnership seems to be a fruitful one, as the new ambassadors seemingly have a one hundred percent conversion rate of people who they approach that end up giving to the charity.
“It really pulled at our heart strings and felt like the right thing to do”, says John Doe, the de facto leader of the armed group. “We had been taking a stand against government tracking and conspiracies for years, and with this pandemic, everything seemed to slow down as the political machine was busy with other things. It’s nice to be able to spend time working on a good cause and eat something besides squirrel. We load up and take our armed caravan to a supermarket or knocking from door to door in a neighborhood and people seem more than willing to give what they can. We hit a few snags, but those worked themselves out.”
“They kidnapped my wife!”, says Derek Cook, a Roanoke, Virginia resident who was solicited by the fundraising group. “I had to sell our car in order to raise the funds to get her back. I mean, it went to a great cause, but still caught me off guard. I understand that times are tough, and you have to admire The Make-A Wish Foundation for being able to adapt. I’ve got my wife back and now a kid is going to The Super Bowl. It all worked out in the end.”
Marsha Salazar, a representative of the foundation was more than happy to give her two cents. “This relationship has been more productive than we could have dreamed of! As we researched and looked at different programs that survive during hard times, the only ones that thrived were government operations, so we decided to adopt their tactics and leverage our need for funds with the threat of extreme violence. And guess what…It worked! We’re currently expanding on the program by constructing detainment centers in order to give those who aren’t willing to donate ‘time to think about it’. We’ve become dependent on our expansion of funds and have no intention to stop. We even got Disney World to shut down the park for a day to bring the kids and also hold an appreciation day for our new team in what they’re calling ‘Occupation Day’. It’s sure to be a blast! It’s also been eventful on a personal front. Early on it was obvious that [John Doe] and I had chemistry, and, long-story-short, we’re getting married early next year! The Blood Of Tyrants Militia has brought joy to so many in so many different ways…Except those who they threatened, captured, and detained. But it all works out in the end!”
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
Power Hungry Sociopaths Promise Idiots To Make It All Better After White Trash Attack On Capitol Building
By Robby Bennett
January 9, 2021
WASHINGTON D.C.-After a breach of security, which was actually security letting a hillbilly horde into the Capitol Building, America’s political leadership is attempting to hide their excitement at the power grab they get to make as they soothe an emotional public while continuing to feed their fears. One member of Congress we spoke to, who wished to remain anonymous, could barely hold back from wetting their pants when asked about their next steps, “It finally happened! Oh man, I’m so glad I was re-elected. The timing couldn’t be better. We have an outgoing President who can be blamed and we just went into session. This is going to be an epic Congress! People love giving up freedoms when they’re frightened and I hear that we’re going to get a ping pong table. We also get to use awesome rhetoric like ‘terrorist’, ‘insurrection’, and ‘mixer’. Some Congresses are super boring. CONGRESS OF TWENTY TWENTY ONE HAS ALL THE FUN! I’m so glad that I didn’t become a lawyer. Excuse me, I need to run to the restroom.”
A member of the Senate from the opposing side had a different take, “I mean sure we’re going to drive a huge wedge between fractions of the public in order to garner power while we’re cheered on by our base before they realize that the same limitations will happen to them but presented by the other side, but are we actually going to get a ping pong table?” He expresses his hesitations, “That seems doubtful. And if we do, what will the scheduling system be to sign up to play? There’s 485 of us. Will we be able to set up a bracket system to determine a champion? There’s a lot of questions that have to be asked and a homicide investigation that still has to be cleaned up in Capitol Hill. Hopefully we get back to bombing Middle Eastern countries and monitoring everything Americans say and do. Trump was a real buzz kill and wouldn’t let us have any fun.”
There is definitely much that needs to be answered. The Supreme Court has become a major occupant of the spotlight over the last severally years. Justice Kavanaugh gives his thoughts, “Look, this is a very sensitive time for this country, but if each political party plays their followings right and puts on a good show of antagonizing the other side correctly, I won’t have to hear about any of it and I’ll be free to hold the keg stand record and dominate at some ping pong. I still love beer! They better let us play or we’ll have to issue a ruling that they must. There’s no avoiding ‘Bad Boy Brett’!”
With Americans more sensitive and divided than ever, it’s good to know that there is responsible leadership with a plan. Nancy Pelosi was unavailable for comment, as she was having her hair done, but Senate Majority Leader, Chuck Schumer, had this to say, “Of course, we’ll have to get through the impeachment, but those things are a nice break. It’s like knowing you’re going to be watching a movie in class and I’m just happy I don’t have to read any bills while it’s going on. Those things are long. I try not to even read them.” He adds to the excitement about the new ping pong table, “Don’t tell anyone, but we’re also going to be getting them a Pac-Man arcade game. Like the big one that stands up! Man, I can’t wait to see the look on their faces. I think it will add a real element of camaraderie while we tell businesses to shut down, limit the movements of the public, and minimize what they’re allowed to say. It needs to be a unified bipartisan effort on our part. After having over one hundred and fifty federal buildings attacked over the last year, we finally found the one incident that we could milk.”
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
Local Man At Bar ‘Totally Knows’ How To Fix Economy
By Robby Bennett
January 3, 2021
PHOENIX-Economists and government financial bigwigs are ecstatic to learn that an inebriated man at a Chili’s bar has apparently solved all national debt and financial issues. Luke Anderson, a 23 year old Best Buy associate and part time DJ who recently split up with his girlfriend, has been gracing fellow patrons and staff of the bar with his economic thesis. Not quick to divulge any details, it took six Miller Lites and three shots of Fireball for the fiscal sage to finally open up. His suggestions are unorthodox and might be what is needed as a fresh view to a possible economic approach.
“Crypto currency is the way of the future”, exclaims Anderson to three women he’s never met before who are seated in proximity to him at the bar. “Nixon got us off the gold standard and we can use that gold to buy it probably. There’s no reason we can’t back our currency with Bitcoin and have the treasury buy lots of it to make things better.” The women readily agree and begin discussing their upcoming diet regimen, apparently finding Mr. Anderson’s topics too intellectually stimulating. He continues to inform them several times that he’s single.
His concepts with the highly fluctuating and unregulated virtual currency is a breath of fresh air to international monetary officials. “I learned on Reddit that the International Monetary Fund might be manipulating the value of money in different countries and monitoring nations’ credit. That’s totally stupid! We just need to get rid of them and print a lot more money to give to people and buy things. Did I order wings?” Luke continues, enthralling a couple gentlemen who thought they were in attendance to simply watch a football game on the television and now cannot ignore the preachings of this monetary messiah who wants to make the dynamic of his breakup very clear.
“I left her! She said I was doing nothing with my life, but she’s the boring one.” Mr. Anderson, who dropped out of community college, seems like he is paving a new path in the financial sector that will surely leave his ex begrudged that she ever doubted him. “So what if I didn’t follow the normal plan? That’s boring. Life is too short and that Algebra class was bullshit. I don’t know how everyone didn’t fail. That teacher didn’t know what he was talking about and when am I ever going to use that stuff? So anyway, college should also be free for everyone. That way there are, like, more smart people, which can only do good when they make more money. I think there should also be regular stimulus checks to like, raise the economy and stimulate it. It would make people happy and stuff. I used mine to buy a PS5 that I managed to snag from work. The check was only enough to buy it with one game, though. Total bummer and wouldn’t happen if I had my way.”
Luke also has unique concepts for international policy. “We just need to bomb Russia and just take what we want. That will make us richer. They think they’re all tough. Screw those guys. I’d kick Putin’s ass! And I don’t necessarily own stocks, but I watch what’s going on and see what people are saying on Reddit, and there’s a pattern that, um, more money would be good for”, he explains as he has expressed his sermon to the man standing at the urinal next to him in the men’s room. “I don’t know. I think my girl was seeing someone else behind my back. Whatever, she was terrible in bed anyway and I’ve totally dated hotter.”
Anderson’s awareness of his financial-minded predecessors is also not lacking, as he demonstrated a vast historical knowledge of commerce and its practitioners. “It was so cool that Disney streamed ‘Hamilton’ for people to watch. That’s a little how I see myself. Like, an outsider who wants to do big things. I’ve got ideas that could change everything. Plus I also really liked the rapping. I think that I’m going to switch to tequila”, he said to the bartender while engulfing an order of Southwestern Egg Rolls. “I mean, he also came from nothing, and like knew George Washington and did Congress stuff. It’s sad how Hamilton died, but you know, sometimes you gotta call someone out. You can’t be a punk. Maybe America needs a new government bank. Can I get more ranch?”
After informing patrons on the way out that he’s totally okay being single and that healthcare should be paid for by NASA because of “their science”, Luke Anderson left the eatery as his temporary domicile of proclamation and promptly drove himself to his ex’s apartment where he proceeded to vomit on her doormat and cry while professing his undying love for her. She was not home. Eccentric quirks are to be expected from great minds. Mr. Anderson is currently weighting his options between offers from Goldman Sachs and a position in the Treasury Department. He is a staunch enthusiast of as many people voting as possible and lives with his grandmother in Phoenix, Arizona.
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
Jon Favreau Gains 80 Pounds In Preparation For Role As Nerd Producer
By Robby Bennett
January 1, 2021
HOLLYWOOD-It is a well known part of the preparation process for Hollywood’s elite to transform themselves completely for a part. This dedication is critical for transporting the public into the world that filmmakers aim to create and is the hallmark for committed and dedicated performers. Daniel Day-Lewis and Christian Bale are best known for having complete dedication to their development of characters, creating completely new identities for audiences to watch on screen.
Taking on his role as the new “King Of Nerds”, Jon Favreau has spent the better part of two decades completing a slow and steady metamorphosis creating an identity that the public and studio executives would find believable, and made Bale’s change into Dick Chaney pale in comparison. In addition to ditching his contacts for framed spectacles, Favreau also slowly put on an excessive amount of weight, achieving different benchmarks before reaching the helm of ultimate “nerdom” as the Executive Producer of the most celebrated Star Wars project of modern times, The Mandalorian.
We first saw signs of Jon’s process in 2002’s Elf. The newly “stout” Favreau not only played a doctor on screen, but also played a role behind the camera, beginning his preparation of becoming a behind-the-scenes slob, many of whom regularly overtake red carpet events, looking uncomfortable and out of place in their tuxedos, with no effort being made to style their hair. Favreau has even started wearing a disheveled, uncolored grey beard in an attempt to appear to “not care too much” as part of his total immersion. His path to moving away from being a screen-ready player left longtime collaborator Vince Vaughn having to work with the likes of Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson, as he refused to be seen associating with Jon while he “transitioned”.
From there Favreau swung for the fences by championing and directing Iron Man, leading to the development of the much beloved and highly successful Marvel Cinematic Universe, the apex of commercial nerd culture. This is when Favreau seems to have committed to his “method” and began having the craft services table placed right next to him while he directed and worked on set. Then, after the purchases of Marvel and Lucas Films by Disney, the stage was set for fate to take over, and Jon kicked it into high gear.
It is rumored that after seeing 2015’s The Force Awakens dressed as a rotund Han Solo at a midnight premier and downing six hotdogs, Favreau was livid! The movie apparently left him underwhelmed and it felt contrived. That’s when he started outlining ideas as to what story he would tell in the Star Wars universe, if ever given the chance to be taken seriously as someone that nobody would invite to a party, until finally deciding to focus in on the Mandalorian culture, something once thought to be a plot device only known by virgins. He immediately cancelled his rarely-used gym membership and got to work. By the time Disney was planning their own streaming service, Disney+, Favreau was regularly transporting his own body weight with the assistance of a rascal scooter, giving him the established conviction of someone who could be taken seriously previewing a project at Comic-Con. Needless to say, his concept was the perfect franchise addition for the new platform.
Having spent hours researching characters and alien species, and arguing with other fans anonymously on different Star Wars message boards as the handle ‘Zathura69’, with empty fried chicken buckets scattered around the room as part of his persona development process, Favreau had high hopes of his newly-conceived fan fiction seeing the light of day as an actual show, with his Swingers appearance long gone.
Disney was hip to the idea, but had Favreau prove his beta-male, dork filmmaker status by having him direct a couple of what he called “lame fairy tale movies”. Jon apparently saw the silver lining and through his complete dedication to the role, managed to get in 6 meals per day consisting mostly of Fat Burger and Krispy Kreme, set as part of a regular meal plan delivered right to him on set. With Disney’s resources, why not?
When The Mandalorian finally went into development, Jon was an established nerd presence whose developed persona delivered an revered sci-fi leading figurehead. It seems like ever since he uttered through a mouth full of Zebra Cakes “What about, like, Yoda as a baby?”, to cowboy hat wearing doofus and production partner, Dave Filoni, the rest has been history with the industry’s best dorks jumping at the chance to work on his project, with ten other additional Star Wars shows in development by other sad geeks dusting off their high school action figure scripts for multimillion dollar deals with Disney.
At press time, Jon was in a hospital bed playing with Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi action figures after receiving a stent in an aortic valve. Possibly a hint at future concepts? His commitment seems to be unwavering.
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
Radio Finds: Dililah
By Robby Bennett
ON AIR WITH DELILAH
So, I’m sure all of you have come across nationally-syndicated radio personality Delilah. For some reason, out of morbid curiosity, I have to listen to her whenever I hear her uplifting voice because I know that complete awkwardness is about to follow. I like to think that most of her listeners are tuning in for the same reason, thus her national success.
With her soothing voice, perfect to accompany easy listening, she likes to discuss the most depressing and tragic topics and then close the segment with the least helpful offhand upbeat thought that she can get out before transitioning to a song or commercial break. A typical diatribe goes like this:
“Good evening listeners I hope you’re enjoying a relaxing, quiet evening. Maybe you’re at home sipping on some wine, thinking about that bubble bath you’re going to take later. Or maybe you’re just driving in your car, relieved to be off after a long stressful day. Don’t worry, you’ll be home soon enough. But no matter where you are I’m glad we’re together, and not one of the mourning families of the three hundred people who died in a Turkish koozie factory explosion in the early hours of the morning, leaving mangled body parts scattered across their impoverished town. It’s safe to assume that there were some children that were left parentless and alone after this accident. My heart goes out to them, and I’m sure yours does too. Loss is never easy, but in those difficult times, it’s nice to know that seasons never stay the same. We’ll be right back with Enya.”
Jingle: ‘Deeeeeellllll-iiiiiah-laaaaaah!’
Cuts to commercial
It’s even better when she takes callers:
Delilah: “Good evening, you beautiful spirit. What are you up to on this delicious relaxing evening?”
Caller: “Well Delilah, I’m worried that my husband and I are heading for divorce. We never spend time together and it feels like we’re living separate lives.”
Delilah: “I’m sorry to hear that your heart is hurting, my gracious friend.”
Caller: “Thanks, it’s been an emotional roller coaster.”
Delilah: “Well caller, we all know my background and luck with love. I’m on my fourth marriage and I don’t plan on it being my last. But maybe I can help by telling you about my friend Cynthia. She and her husband were in the same boat. They felt like things had just gotten stale, and no amount of bubble baths or glasses of wine in front of the fire place could fix it. Then one day, after she’d been feeling unwell for a few weeks, she was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. Through that traumatic experience, and the care her husband gave her during her extensive treatment, they became closer than ever. It may have been the painkillers, but I like to think that it was God working his magic on this lovely couple. I hope that helped you on this hypnotic evening, dear caller.”
Caller: “Um, I guess.”
Delilah: “Well, hopefully what I couldn’t communicate, maybe Dido can. Here she is with ‘Thank You’. And thank YOU for calling, sweet listener.”
Click
Jingle: ‘Deeeeeellllll-iiiiiah-laaaaaah!’
Dido begins
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
Parents Of Screaming Child At Restaurant Apparently Murdered By Angry Mob. Patrons And Staff Ignorant As To How It Happened.
By Robby Bennett
December 29, 2020
INDIANAPOLIS-Police are investigating the apparent murder of an Indianapolis couple who brought a toddler to a restaurant last night. According to what is known, shortly after 9:10pm, some sort of mob formed and converged on the couple after they did not attend to their screaming child, a 2 year old, named Aiden. Despite the suspected amount of attention this act might attract, the patrons and staff who occupied the eatery at the time are clueless as to what happened, pertaining to the gruesome killing of the parents.
“I mean, the kid was just sitting there screaming and banging silverware on plates. I had nothing to do with what happened to them, but something had to be done. No one has any idea why a kid that age was out so late. It’s no surprise that he was upset. And of course the kid had some sort of stupid name like ‘Aiden’, given to him by selfish parents”, says Kelly Benson, a local dental hygienist who was dining at the restaurant with friends, who are also clueless about the dual killing, at the time of the incident. “They tried giving him toys, but he would just bang those on the table until finally tossing them away like some sort of disgruntled king.”
“It’s a huge mystery”, explains Jeff Mead, the manager on duty at the time of the incident. “I had asked them twice, very politely, if one of them might take the child outside until he calmed down. I even offered to comp a dessert for them, but they just let the kid keep making a scene after informing me about their ‘rights’ and stating that our other customers should mind their own business. But no, I have no idea what might have happened.”
“I finally got to take out this girl who I’ve had a crush on forever”, says local resident Ian Scott, a sub-average looking man with questionable fashion sense who was sitting next to the table with the disgruntled toddler. “Needless to say, it’s hard to have a good time and seem interesting when there’s some kid randomly squealing and throwing bread at your date. I’m at a loss as to what happened, but, in my opinion, they had it coming. I paid for a three course meal and I’m going home alone.”
“Apparently the couple had been discussing having another child”, says Sergeant Dave Thorton, who was first to arrive on the scene. “We see this quite regularly. Parents who are conditioned to their child’s outbursts are insensitive to those around them, and a mysterious impromptu riot takes place leading to the murder of said couple. There are never any witnesses and it’s quite the phenomenon.”
As the crime scene continued being investigated, newly orphaned Aiden was being attended to by first responders while eating Mac and Cheese, which was apparently his demand that led to his meltdown all along.
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
The Tale Of Twisted Tea
Imagine…
You are a simple-minded hillbilly wondering where you’re going to get your next score of meth and why your simple brain has problems with words that contain more than one syllable because your parents fell in love at a family reunion. One day, you find yourself in line at a convenient store trying to buy a marker to huff and some male enhancement pills because that fat girl at Popeye’s gave you her number after saying she wouldn’t buck you off.
You’re standing there minding your own business, trying to think about which wrestlers of any generation would make the best tag team duo. Then, to your dismay and ignorance of the world, you are startled by the presence of another person in line who doesn’t look like you. In fact, they are a completely different color! Luckily, your experience and upbringing has prepared you with the correct racial slur to use in public at this moment. As first, it’s off-handed and under your breath. The fact that this “chocolate person” is reserved indicates to you that he’s timid and aware of your alpha status. Your confidence builds. You immediately start calling him that epithet louder and with greater intensity. He starts to respond in an objective way, but your white trash brain is running on dopamine by now as you are undoubtedly an aryan Adonis, likely to destroy anyone who crosses him or doesn’t like your lift kit.
All of a sudden in the midst of the argument, where you believe that you are making some insightful commentaries on the local community, your foe drops his Twisted Tea. This is surely at his dismay of your well put-together verbal assault. He picks it up, and during your next valid point of reason and name calling, you are cut short from a strike to the head by a bright yellow can. As you come to, your African nemesis is on top of you, whipping your ass. You decide to concede the argument to him out of gentleman’s courtesy.
Much to your chagrin, a damsel patron of the convenient store was filming the climax of your engagement and you are now to be the most famous person in the country for a short-lived fashion. You and that villainous can are to be forever connected in eternity, and you can’t even see one behind the clear doors of the beverage aisle without flinching and having you’re testicles crawl inside of you. Only in America.
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
St. Nick Files Restraining Order Against ‘Santa Baby’ Singer (Archive)
By Clayton Taylor
December 24, 1953 – ARCHIVE
New York – It can’t be easy being one of the world’s most recognizable figures, having delivered toys and joy to children all over the world for generations. That being said, you would still expect some level of privacy when away from the public eye. Normally jolly and bright, there is a somber element to Santa Claus during this year’s holiday season as he is in fear for his safety and filed for a restraining order against accused stalker, Eartha Kitt, in a New York superior court this week. The actress/singer recently put out what is sure to become a modern Christmas classic with ‘Santa Baby’, but according to the residents of the North Pole, there is a much more sinister story behind the song.
“It’s gotten out of hand!”, said St. Nick. “Eartha was such a good little girl, but then as she got older she kept becoming more obsessed. Long after any presumed appropriate age, she would find which mall I was at every year, show up, and sit on my lap. She would then tell me what she wanted, and make very suggestive comments about being on ‘the naughty list’. It was difficult to get her off of me sometimes. It really made things awkward when there’s a large line of parents and kids waiting.”
Not stopping her bizarre behavior with the holiday season, Ms. Kitt continued writing letters to Santa throughout the year. “Normally letters slowly start after Halloween and build up as Christmas gets closer. Hers would come year round! Most of it was nonsense and rambling about what materialistic object she wanted at any given time, but sometimes she would include articles of clothing or hair. Then one day, she just showed up at the North Pole!”
Needless to say, Santa wasn’t the only one affected by Eartha Kitt’s behavior. It understandably put Mrs. Claus in an awkward position. She explains, “It was already strange enough when she was thousands of miles away, but when she showed up at our home, that was it! My apron and glasses were off! After we finally got her off our doorstep, she was found sleeping in the stables with the reindeer. She scared some of the elves senseless and their littles bladders aren’t strong.”
Adding to the level of Ms. Kitt’s obsessive behavior, is the mysterious mode of travel that she took on her Arctic trip. “We have no clue how she got up here. There’s nothing around but snow and ice for hundreds of miles. The polar bears should have finished her off”, says the jolly old man. “I thought I was sneaky on people’s private property, but after she seemingly left, some of my sashes were missing from my closet and someone used the toilet and didn’t flush.”
Hoping that the worst of it was over, you can imagine Santa’s surprise when he heard the new holiday hit ‘Santa Baby’ by none other than Eartha Kitt. In the song, Ms. Kitt makes a list of demands for outrageous presents including a yacht, and concluding with her desire for Santa to propose to her when she asks for a ring at the end of the song. These are obviously the rantings of a disturbed individual who has a fixation for Santa and no regard for his wife. A statement from Santa sent after our interview said that the amount of elf hours alone that it would take to build a yacht makes Ms. Kitt’s list of demands outrageous. This is in addition to the suggestive innuendo in the lyrics of the song about the singer’s “chimney”.
“Anger aside, I really hope that she gets the help she needs. That nerve of that woman asking for a ring. It took me almost two hundred years for him to propose”, states Mrs. Claus. “We can only hope that she converts to Islam and is no longer our problem. That song is catchy, though.”
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
The Flash’s Status In ‘Justice League’ Questionable As He Tests Positive For Performance Enhancing Drugs
By Robby Bennett
December 24, 2020
Central City – The superhero best known for his super speed apparently wasn’t satisfied enough with his abilities. Last week Justice League member The Flash tested positive for several performance enhancing drugs during the team’s required yearly physical. Needless to say, members of the public and his teammates are upset at the news.
“I knew something was up when he beat me in a race and started vibrating fast enough to travel through time. Even for superheroes, changes like that that don’t just happen.”, said Superman, the assumed leader of the heroic group. “He just kept making progress that didn’t seem possible. It’s really a shame. How can we be expected to save the world and fight supervillains with someone who cheats and can’t rely on the gifts that they were born with? I mean sure, Earth’s sun gives me my abilities, but I also have my limits. For instance, I can’t see through lead. Is that an excuse to break the rules? I don’t think so. It’s all pretty selfish, if you ask me,”
Aquaman gave us a more insightful view into what might have motivated The Flash to finally cross the threshold of banned substances. “I always used to be the lame one in the group. I was just sort of disconnected from society and what was hot, living in the ocean and all. Plus I had terrible fashion sense. I mean, who regularly wears green and orange together? So, I started working out, I traded in my seahorse and started riding a shark, got some tattoos, grew a beard, and developed an unhealthy drinking habit. I mean, that’s all like kryptonite for stupid chicks…please don’t tell Superman that I said that.” The King Of The Seven Seas continues, “So anyway, I think Flash has just been feeling like the runt of the group. He’s kind of a dweeb, but that’s part of his appeal. Maybe he just needed something to make him feel better about himself.”
Billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, orphan Bruce Wayne has very strong opinions on this situation with The Flash for some reason, despite undoubtedly having absolutely no super powers himself and no relation to the group. “It’s an outrage! What a little punk. I mean you can run fast. Psh! Big deal. That’s not as cool as having a car with missiles. And how are people supposed to let him know when they need him to fight crime or save the world. He doesn’t have any sort of signal or anything. That shows a lack of commitment, if you ask me. How is running fast supposed to help you against a penguin man? That takes skill and quality detective work…I would imagine”, Wayne said bitterly. He continued, “I’m not bitter, I just think all these people with superpowers are overrated. Who needs to fly when you have a perfectly good, combat-ready plane readily available?” Mr. Wayne certainly had quite a few opinions on the Justice League, all of whom have superpowers with the exception of their mascot/cheerleader, Batman. His sour mood could be due to the fact that he is currently being investigated by the SEC for spending large amounts of company funds on mysterious and costly off-the-books projects that are never to be put on the market or generate revenue.
The possible removal of The Flash from the group also raises some interesting intellectual property questions. There is talk that the Justice League will claim the rights to The Flash’s name and image. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there”, said Superman. “We were financially responsible for the developments in his suit and the status of his image. It was all part of the waiver he had to sign before joining the group, right before you take your CPR class and diversity training. A brand isn’t an easy thing to develop, and not something we’ll quickly let go. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a cat trapped in a tree across town.” The Man Of Steel then proceeded to fly away, a convenient way of avoiding any substantial questions, in this reporter’s opinion.
Adding an element of personal interest and possible awkwardness is the dynamic between The Flash and the Justice League’s matriarch, Wonder Woman. The two are publicly known to have been a couple at one time, with pictures of them leaving a Hall Of Justice Holiday party in her invisible jet breaking the internet two years ago. “It was one night!”, exclaims Wonder Woman. “He just wouldn’t let it go. It was a mistake that he thought could turn into something. Do you know what it’s like having a obsessed creeper in your life who’s that fast? It made work really awkward.” She then let us in on some juicy details, “I can tell you this though, He definitely qualified as the ‘fastest man’ I’ve ever been with. I think he was attracted to me because he has a thing for being lassoed, tied, and whipped. He also seems to have a fetish for older women…Like MUCH older. He thought it was so hot that I could remember The Great Depression. There might be some issues there. It could be a blessing in disguise if he had to leave. For everyone. At least he doesn’t wear his hair in a man bun like Aquaman. He’s become such a douche. We regularly have to kick out random skanks from the Hall Of Justice in the morning. His new tattoo says, ‘Wanna get wet?’ Like, seriously? Who goes for that?”
When asked to comment on his current debacle, The Flash was brief (Or should we say “fast”?) in his response: “This is just a whole big misunderstanding. My trainer gave me a tea that I think triggered the test or something. I really want to know how accurate those tests are. I would never do that intentionally to myself or my team. I’m sorry for the awkward position that I’ve put everyone in, but we’ll see what happens.” Several of The Flash’s endorsement deals are now in limbo, including Nike, Duracell, and his athlete’s foot cream from Johnson & Johnson. General Motors has also pulled their “Get there in a ‘Flash’!” ads from rotation, which feature the superhero.
At press time The Flash was considering an offer from The Avengers who have no drug testing policy, as evident in the Hulks rage and Captain America receiving his powers from some type of chemical therapy. The Avengers are also much more lenient on their policies regarding having to wear shirts and dating team members. It is yet unknown if he would make the move as his ‘Flash’ persona or be required to adopt a new identity.
ROBBY BENNETT
http://www.RobbyBennett.com
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TWITTER
ROBBY BENNETT
Robby Bennett's Playground 